Can You Still Be Friends 20 Years Later?
Seriously, this is a question that has been nagging me lately.
There is a friend who I grew up with long ago. We were best friends at the time. We went to elementary school together, we played Barbies together, we did everything together. Then in sixth grade she moved away. Not so far that we couldn’t have the occasional weekend sleep-overs, but far enough that she attended another school. We kept in touch as much as possible. We went to different junior high schools and then after our sophomore year in high school, my family moved to her school district.
She and I did not instantly reconnect. We moved at the beginning of the summer, so I had three months in a new town with no close friends. My friend lived a half hour’s drive away and we weren’t old enough to drive yet. I spent the first part of the summer in the new house not doing much of anything. My mom was worried about me and wanted me to get out of the house, so she encouraged me to go to the local pool. I had nothing better to do so I went. The first day that I went to the pool, I actually met 3 kids my age. As it worked out, we became friends and all spent the summer together.
It’s a small college town in western Pennsylvania and everyone knows each other. Therefore, I knew a good amount of people by the time school started in the fall. I was the new girl in school and in a small town this is huge. All of a sudden, people were interested in me and who I was. Of the people that I had gotten to know over the summer, some were friends with my old friend and others not so much. Couple this with the other people at school that I was getting to know and my old friend was somewhat lost in the shuffle.
I became good friends with another girl at our school who for whatever reason, my old friend did not like and we drifted further apart. She was involved with other things than I. She played sports and I did not. My summer friends talked me in to joining the Drama Club and she was not a member. (I am not an actor by any stretch—I ended up working behind the scenes and painting sets, which is more in line with my talents than acting.) I also somehow got elected to Student Council—I’m pretty sure it was a result of my novelty factor. Also adding to the situation was that all of a sudden boys started asking me out on dates. (This NEVER happened at my old school—I was quite the wallflower then). Looking back now, I think that I tried to include my old friend in my new activities, but she was not interested.
I think the four years apart at different schools changed us. While she started 7th grade at a much smaller school, I started 7th grade at a much bigger school and did not fit in at all. Junior high and my sophomore year of high school were a nightmare. I had it bad for a boyor two who did not feel the same way about me. I made a new friend in 7th grade and we spent a good amount of time together retreating from the teen angst all around us. In her new school, my friend was the new girl and it was her time to blossom. By the time we were in the same school again, we were not the same grade school girls.
We were still friends through the rest of high school, but we did not run in the same circles anymore. I think she probably resented the attention that I received when school started. I can’t say that I blame her. It is so much easier to look back on the time and see it differently now.
Graduation came and we went our separate ways to college. She stayed local and I went to school in Pittsburgh. She married a guy who she met in college and I went to her wedding. I was glad to be there, but felt very disconnected from her.
Over the years since high school, we have barely kept in touch. I moved to the DC area and once she was married we lost touch with each other. Through other contacts, I would hear snippets of news about her. She divorced and went back to school. I got married and had kids.
In the 20 years since high school, I have always thought of her and considered getting in touch with her, but never really made the effort. I could have easily called her parents to find her, but I didn’t. At one point I “Googled” her and found an e-mail address and sent her a message. She replied, but the e-mail address was terminating with the receipt of her graduate degree. I heard through the grapevine where she landed after grad school, but did not attempt to contact her.
A year and a half ago her father died suddenly. I called her mother’s house and spoke to her mother briefly and expressed my sympathy. I was unable to attend the funeral back home, but sent flowers.
About two months ago, I “Googled” her again and came up with another e-mail address. I sent her a message and she replied. A few days later, I called her on the phone and we talked quite a bit. She moved home to be with her mother after her father died. She’s working in Pittsburgh and has an hour commute each way. It seems in talking to her that she’s happy to keep her mother company, but that in some ways she misses being on her own.
We have continued to reconnect by e-mail. I even invited her to come to DC for a visit, which she initially accepted, but then declined. At the time, I just accepted the declination without question. Later I did ask her why she changed her mind. She replied that after talking it over (I assume with her mother) that it might be better to get reacquainted through e-mail and over the phone first. I went on to tell her that I understood and that it was OK. I also brought up the distance that seemed to come between us years ago and told her that it was probably mostly my fault, etc. She didn’t reply. Although I didn’t get a reply, I got a couple other unrelated e-mails from her, so I sent a message and asked if she was going to reply. She replied that she had intended to reply, but got busy with work. I haven’t pushed the subject since then.
We have continued our contact through e-mail. She forwards crap to me and I usually reply with a hello, how are you doing kind of message. Sometimes, I’ll just send her a hello and we’ll go back and forth chatting, etc.
We have our 20-year high school reunion over Thanksgiving weekend—that’s right kids, Class of 1985…ah the 80s. I’m going to make the trek home and attend the reunion. She is not going to the reunion. I have been to the 10 and 15-year reunion and she’s never been to any of the reunions. I have mentioned getting together with her while I’m in town for the reunion, which she seems to have some interest in doing, but has been rather non-committal.
She’s single and living at home with her mom. I’m five hours away and married with kids. She’s in dating hell. I’m in wedded bliss. Again, we are not on the same page in our lives.
So…where does that leave our friendship? I’m not really sure, hence the reason for this post. In communication with her, she has said a few things that have surprised me a bit and not necessarily in a positive way. I don’t care to write about it, because ultimately that’s not the issue. I think it is a very fragile relationship and I’m kind of going with the flow and not trying to pressure her into talking about any underlying issues. I’m making a serious effort to prove myself to her, but why? We are on different pages and we both accept that about each other. The question remains for me though…
Can we resurrect any semblance of a friendship given our past and present. Is there a future for us?
Comments are welcome and encouraged.
There is a friend who I grew up with long ago. We were best friends at the time. We went to elementary school together, we played Barbies together, we did everything together. Then in sixth grade she moved away. Not so far that we couldn’t have the occasional weekend sleep-overs, but far enough that she attended another school. We kept in touch as much as possible. We went to different junior high schools and then after our sophomore year in high school, my family moved to her school district.
She and I did not instantly reconnect. We moved at the beginning of the summer, so I had three months in a new town with no close friends. My friend lived a half hour’s drive away and we weren’t old enough to drive yet. I spent the first part of the summer in the new house not doing much of anything. My mom was worried about me and wanted me to get out of the house, so she encouraged me to go to the local pool. I had nothing better to do so I went. The first day that I went to the pool, I actually met 3 kids my age. As it worked out, we became friends and all spent the summer together.
It’s a small college town in western Pennsylvania and everyone knows each other. Therefore, I knew a good amount of people by the time school started in the fall. I was the new girl in school and in a small town this is huge. All of a sudden, people were interested in me and who I was. Of the people that I had gotten to know over the summer, some were friends with my old friend and others not so much. Couple this with the other people at school that I was getting to know and my old friend was somewhat lost in the shuffle.
I became good friends with another girl at our school who for whatever reason, my old friend did not like and we drifted further apart. She was involved with other things than I. She played sports and I did not. My summer friends talked me in to joining the Drama Club and she was not a member. (I am not an actor by any stretch—I ended up working behind the scenes and painting sets, which is more in line with my talents than acting.) I also somehow got elected to Student Council—I’m pretty sure it was a result of my novelty factor. Also adding to the situation was that all of a sudden boys started asking me out on dates. (This NEVER happened at my old school—I was quite the wallflower then). Looking back now, I think that I tried to include my old friend in my new activities, but she was not interested.
I think the four years apart at different schools changed us. While she started 7th grade at a much smaller school, I started 7th grade at a much bigger school and did not fit in at all. Junior high and my sophomore year of high school were a nightmare. I had it bad for a boyor two who did not feel the same way about me. I made a new friend in 7th grade and we spent a good amount of time together retreating from the teen angst all around us. In her new school, my friend was the new girl and it was her time to blossom. By the time we were in the same school again, we were not the same grade school girls.
We were still friends through the rest of high school, but we did not run in the same circles anymore. I think she probably resented the attention that I received when school started. I can’t say that I blame her. It is so much easier to look back on the time and see it differently now.
Graduation came and we went our separate ways to college. She stayed local and I went to school in Pittsburgh. She married a guy who she met in college and I went to her wedding. I was glad to be there, but felt very disconnected from her.
Over the years since high school, we have barely kept in touch. I moved to the DC area and once she was married we lost touch with each other. Through other contacts, I would hear snippets of news about her. She divorced and went back to school. I got married and had kids.
In the 20 years since high school, I have always thought of her and considered getting in touch with her, but never really made the effort. I could have easily called her parents to find her, but I didn’t. At one point I “Googled” her and found an e-mail address and sent her a message. She replied, but the e-mail address was terminating with the receipt of her graduate degree. I heard through the grapevine where she landed after grad school, but did not attempt to contact her.
A year and a half ago her father died suddenly. I called her mother’s house and spoke to her mother briefly and expressed my sympathy. I was unable to attend the funeral back home, but sent flowers.
About two months ago, I “Googled” her again and came up with another e-mail address. I sent her a message and she replied. A few days later, I called her on the phone and we talked quite a bit. She moved home to be with her mother after her father died. She’s working in Pittsburgh and has an hour commute each way. It seems in talking to her that she’s happy to keep her mother company, but that in some ways she misses being on her own.
We have continued to reconnect by e-mail. I even invited her to come to DC for a visit, which she initially accepted, but then declined. At the time, I just accepted the declination without question. Later I did ask her why she changed her mind. She replied that after talking it over (I assume with her mother) that it might be better to get reacquainted through e-mail and over the phone first. I went on to tell her that I understood and that it was OK. I also brought up the distance that seemed to come between us years ago and told her that it was probably mostly my fault, etc. She didn’t reply. Although I didn’t get a reply, I got a couple other unrelated e-mails from her, so I sent a message and asked if she was going to reply. She replied that she had intended to reply, but got busy with work. I haven’t pushed the subject since then.
We have continued our contact through e-mail. She forwards crap to me and I usually reply with a hello, how are you doing kind of message. Sometimes, I’ll just send her a hello and we’ll go back and forth chatting, etc.
We have our 20-year high school reunion over Thanksgiving weekend—that’s right kids, Class of 1985…ah the 80s. I’m going to make the trek home and attend the reunion. She is not going to the reunion. I have been to the 10 and 15-year reunion and she’s never been to any of the reunions. I have mentioned getting together with her while I’m in town for the reunion, which she seems to have some interest in doing, but has been rather non-committal.
She’s single and living at home with her mom. I’m five hours away and married with kids. She’s in dating hell. I’m in wedded bliss. Again, we are not on the same page in our lives.
So…where does that leave our friendship? I’m not really sure, hence the reason for this post. In communication with her, she has said a few things that have surprised me a bit and not necessarily in a positive way. I don’t care to write about it, because ultimately that’s not the issue. I think it is a very fragile relationship and I’m kind of going with the flow and not trying to pressure her into talking about any underlying issues. I’m making a serious effort to prove myself to her, but why? We are on different pages and we both accept that about each other. The question remains for me though…
Can we resurrect any semblance of a friendship given our past and present. Is there a future for us?
Comments are welcome and encouraged.
posted by Blue Dog Art at
3:51 PM
3 Comments:
I think it matters little that you were separated by families moving etc. People grow and choose different paths in life regardless of the proximity of friends. Kids tend to get along with other kids because you have youth in common. Everything is new to both of you, and you experience things at the same time. As you get older, you start to become more of the person you will eventually be and the paths will often wind in different directions.
I don't think you owed her an apology for growing up. I don't think you did anything wrong. I do think you're selling yourself short if you believe that the only reason you made new friends, had the attention of boys, got elected to student council etc., was simply due to the fact that you were new. It had more to do with you as a person.
I think we all, at some point, miss those times in our lives when things were simpler. I think we all have had a sense of nostalgia wash over us for one reason or another. The memories of your childhood also brought back memories of your friend, because she was part of that time. But alot of time has passed, and you've both become different people. I think that we put such undue pressure on ourselves when we try to rekindle an old friendship... there are so many preconceived expectations that none of us could ever live up to. She isn't the person you want her to be, and you aren't the person she wants you to be... you aren't kids anymore. No matter how much we might say that we have no preconceived ideas, we often really do. We have the expectation, no matter how deep down it might be, that you can pick up where you left off, but since you're completely different people now, it's really not possible.
Does that mean you can't be friends? No. But stop and ask yourself if you'd ever be friends if you hadn't known eachother 20 years ago. If the answer is no, then keep sending the funny emails with a little note from time to time. Don't lose touch with that part of your life entirely because it's part of the woman you've become. But sometimes the past should just remain in the past as a fond memory. It's nice to look back sometimes, but you can't watch where you're headed while you're moving forward if you're looking back for too long.
I've been in your position...looking up an old friend I was once so close to. It was nice to hear from him, and good to hear that he's doing well. But that intangible thing that draws people together when you're going through the same things in life wasn't there, and I was disappointed because I'd secretly hoped it would be. We were best friends for so long that I figured the unspoken connection would really never be broken. I was wrong. We send notes from time to time, and Christmas cards, and I'm glad I hear from him. I like taking that part of my life out and looking at it, but I'm always happier when I tuck it back away and look at the place I occupy now.
I don't know if that made much sense, but, those are my thoughts about this.
By
Jaded, at November 03, 2005 11:39 PM
I have two thoughts immediately upon reading this. First, after so long apart, the expectation on either one of your parts that you would simply pick back up again is setting you both up to fail. Yes, there are some relationships that can manage that (I'm lucky enough to have a couple) but it is rare. The last time you were friends, you were children. Dear God, I hope you're not the same people you were twenty years ago. When people reconnect after so long, what it means is that they would have connected as adults, regardless. It was just a shared past history that got them talking in the first place. A shared history does not make you friends now. In fact, I have lost friends because one or the other of us couldn't move past who we had been and the friendship we had had previously instead of creating a new friendship between these two new, older, different people. (poor grammar, sorry!) It isn't about being friends 20 years later. It's about the individuals involved in the present.
The second thought is, in some ways, that you are living the answer to your own question as far as this person is concerned. You know how connected (or un-connected) you feel. It's not good or bad. It just is what it is. And the next time you get back in touch with an old childhood friend, the same question will come up: "are we friends NOW?" The answer will depend on the individuals there, too.
My question is this ~ do you feel it necessary or important to "make up" for your teenage years with her? I ask because it doesn't seem as if you were that close ever again once she moved ~ and your time in a shared school seems to be more successful by teenage terms. What's important about getting back together now? Okay, that's two questions...
Of course, all this and a buck fifty...
By
BostonPobble, at November 09, 2005 1:55 PM
Jaded- Very insightful and true. Thank you for being honest.
Pobble-Thank you too for taking the time to be honest with me.
The weekly e-mails with her continue, but are mostly superficial. We'll see if she has time to get together when I'm up there for the reunion.
By
Blue Dog Art, at November 09, 2005 10:32 PM
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