I Remember…

…pulling into the parking lot at work as the radio reported the first airplane had hit the first tower.

…calling my husband to tell him about the airplane and getting his voicemail.

…hearing that another airplane had hit the second tower.

…calling my husband and getting his voicemail again.

…thinking two planes hitting the WTC was not an accident.

…talking to my boss about how easy it would be to do the same thing here.

…hearing that a plane had crashed into the Pentagon.

…calling my husband (his office was a stone’s throw from the Pentagon) and getting his voicemail again.

…sitting in a co-worker’s office waiting and praying that our Federal employee husbands were okay.

…hearing that there were unaccounted planes in the air.

…my sister-in-law in Philly emailing (because she couldn’t get through on the phone) to find out if we were okay and me having to tell her that I didn’t know where her brother was.

…my brother in Baltimore e-mailing to check on us.

…my best friend in Florida calling (somehow she got through on the phone) to check on us and me losing it on her because I didn’t yet know if my husband was safe.

…being six miles too far away from our newborn son.

…seeing the smoke from the Pentagon from my office window.

…my husband finally calling me and telling me to get the baby and meet him at home. He’d been in a meeting in a different building, which they had evacuated. He hadn’t even listened to my messages.

…walking into our director’s office and telling him that I was going home and hoped he didn’t have a problem with it. He told me to drive safely.

…my brother calling on my cell phone to find out if I’d heard from my husband and me asking him to call my sister-in-law in Philly to tell her we were all okay.

…getting on the beltway and driving 90 m.p.h. to get to the daycare and thinking that law enforcement probably had more important shit to do than bust me for speeding.

…driving and watching the sky for planes.

…finally getting the baby and getting home and sitting and holding him and rocking him more so for my benefit than his.

…waiting for my husband to get home…an hour and a half later from a normally 15 minute commute.

…watching the carnage on TV.

…finally feeling relief when my husband walked in the house.

…laughing when he told me that he thought people were packing up and leaving town because as he was leaving his office, he’d seen people walking all over the place with suitcases. I told him that they had evacuated the airport (DCA), which is across the parkway from his office.

…HELL YES I’m going to work the next day because I will not give in to the FUCKING terrorist bastards.

…driving past the Pentagon a few days later and the smoke still billowing from the gaping hole.

…hearing helicopters flying at night when there was a no-fly zone for miles. I presume they were running between Quantico and the Pentagon or DCA.

…hearing the fighter jets above my house constantly and feeling a sense of comfort.

…taping American flags to the window of our cars.

…seeing signs everywhere that said “God Bless America”

…being profoundly sad for months.

…feeling guilty about how badly I felt even though I didn’t know anyone that died and my husband came home.

…the six-month anniversary and yelling at my mother on the phone. She had called to see if I was watching the memorial stuff on TV. My reply was that I hadn’t watched TV or listened to the radio all day because I still remembered. She then went into a narrative about what was going on in NY and me yelling at her that if I wanted to watch and know what they were doing I’d have turned the TV on myself. I still remembered as if it was that day.

…applying for a special “Fight Terrorism” license plate for my car.

…hearing the fighter jets above my house and feeling unnerved.

…the year anniversary and me taking the day off work to spend it with my son and a friend with her kids. We spent the day together and took our kids to a park and out to lunch. I did not watch any TV or listen to the radio.

…why I have to wait for security to check under my car with long-handled mirrors before I am allowed to enter certain parking garages.

…why I have to take my shoes off at the airport and why I can’t carry on my shampoo.

…being more scared than anything I have ever known.

I remember everything as if it was today. I saw 3 planes flying up the Potomac driving in to work this morning and still to this day am reminded. I do not need the media to remind me so I haven’t watched the news or listened to the radio since Friday. I do not need my mother to call and see if I’m okay today because she knows this was rough on me. I’m not EVER going to be okay on this anniversary and it pisses me off that she feels the need to call me and bring it up.

My heart goes out to those that lost loved ones five years ago today.

I will NEVER forget September 11, 2001.

UNITED WE STAND you fucking terrorist bastards!